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Tomorrow we find out the breed of our new baby. I am so excited to see the little life wriggling about inside me again, listen to the heartbeat and hopefully confirm whether Miss Mouse will be having a new brother or sister. I’m thinking boy and hubs thinks it’s a girl, either way we will be over the moon. I am quite nervous though and there is a small part of me that refuses to fully commit to my unborn baby until I know everything is ok at the 20 week scan.

I can’t help the nerves, sadly I lost a set of twins about 5 years ago and I was told the devastating news at my 20 week scan. I had an inkling something wasn’t right that morning as I hadn’t felt either of them move. Putting fear aside I headed for my scan, hoping to see what my 2 beautiful babies were going to be. I’m sharing this because however excited I am about tomorrow an air of apprehension looms darkly overhead. It’s as if once I know everything is ok tomorrow I can then throw myself into the pregnancy.

For anyone that has miscarried or had a stillborn, there really are no words to describe the pain that follows. I found it particularly horrifying that my scan was on the Tuesday and they made me wait until the Saturday to give birth. So many emotions ran through me those few days and yet once I got into the hospital on the Saturday I understood why they don’t just remove the babies straight away. There is an awful lot to come to terms with. I admire the work that organisations like Saying Goodbye and SANDS do.

Anyway without wanting to be all doom and gloom, I always try and see the miracle of making a baby and giving birth as such a privilege and a time to remember all those that were too good for this earth. My baby girl twins are somewhere doing something far more important than being humans and they watch over me and my little family. I was able to hold them and they allowed them to stay with me overnight after I gave birth, I can not praise the midwives that looked after me enough. We suffered 2 further miscarriages before Miss Mouse was born and she is truly the light of our life. Everyday she reminds me that I am good enough to be a mummy regardless of how I felt previously.

Wish me luck for tomorrow, the rational part of me knows all will be good, the not so rational part is freaking out just a little. Love to all those who have suffered similar.

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